“I sell drugs.” That’s the response I wanted to give to the thirty-something Canadian man sitting beside me at the Costa Rica bar when asked what I did that had me in Costa Rica for so long. Instead, I responded with my usual short, aloof response; “I’m a writer.” While he shook his head in agreement and turned back around for a sip of his beer, I knew that this conversation was long from over. A half-hour later and I was still answering his questions about my work, justifying my profession and why exactly it was that I traveled like I did and how I made money doing it. However, amidst the barrage of questions, it struck me that it wasn’t my work that had come into question, but rather my lifestyle choices, because what he saw as a way to make a living, I rather saw as a way of life.
The last few weeks saw me reflecting on the balance of personal life, travel, and relationships, but it was my travel writer friend, Candice Walsh, whose poignant article last week on travel and dating really brought it full circle. Her article explored the challenges she’s faced while keeping such a strenuous travel schedule and I found myself nodding in agreement throughout its entirety. Maybe it’s at this point that you’re saying to yourself, “Finally, Spencer is going to let his guard down to talk about his dating life.” The fact is that there’s not much to talk about, being that I’ve been on some first and second dates in the last year, but haven’t dated anyone in some weeks months years (If this is getting out of hand for you, talking about dating, then have a look-see at the “Look at this Instagram” Nickelback parody).
The question that shortly follows, “What do you do”, often is “Well, why aren’t you dating anyone?” In which my response often includes something about my divorce, how I don’t like talking on the phone, and that I haven’t lived anywhere for any longer than 18 months over the last 10 years (Which some people would take to mean that I can’t do the “C word”: Commit). But really, my reasons for not dating go deeper then that. It’s neither you, nor me. Rather, it’s traveling. I have a love affair with travel. My best friend believes that as long as I keep up the travel lifestyle that I do, that I’m not likely to meet a girl I find “dateable” in any city I live in, but rather find her when I’m not looking for it, while traveling.
This isn’t a blog post about my history or philosophy of dating. It’s not a pity party. It’s about my lifestyle choices – about the conscious choice I’ve made to have a lifestyle centered around travel, no matter what the risk, consequences, and rewards of it are (My friend Carol Cain shares a great perspective on the lifestyle choices she’s made from the family angle in this blog post). Am I lucky? Damn straight I am. I feel so extremely fortunate to be in such positions that I am, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that I worked my ass off, which at times has involved multiple jobs and 80-hour work weeks. But for me, the greater risk and consequences aren’t the choices themselves. The greater risk and impending consequences are to never risk at all.
Most times, real life doesn’t measure up to what’s in our heads, but every now and then, it comes pretty close. – The Magic of Belle Island
Love at first In-N-Out
Travel is as much a part of my day-to-day life as working out, spending time with friends, or enjoying hobbies. Some people make it a habit to brew their own beer, while others play team sports with their pals every weekend, while others enjoy hosting parties, and others are involved in coordinating play dates for their kids. We all have “our things”. My thing is travel. While travel was ingrained in me at an early age, I lost my way of travel a few years ago, and when I rediscovered it, my life was changed. Travel changed my life and has since touched every part of my life, from planning trips with friends, to watching television and movies, to reading guidebooks and essays, to getting on a plane.
I live what I consider a high quality of life, from the top down. It’s something that’s still rather new, since it has really just been in the last three years that I’ve begun expecting so much from life. I know what it’s like to settle – to live an unambitious life that was more like a machine, going through the motions, rather then actual living, and it wasn’t until I was at the bottom that I decided that there HAD to be more to not just life, but my life, and that I wanted the best quality of life. I have high ambitions and expectations of life, be it friendship, work, hobbies, free time, and travel. Dating is no exception.
The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. – Randy Pausch
Am I living the dream? I think that’s subjective. I just know that I’m living my dream. Make life what you want it to be. There’s a good chance that it won’t be a lifestyle of travel like I have. Maybe that means working faithfully as a secretary for years to support your family or starting a non-profit to aid the city you live in. Whatever it is, own your life choices, or find that lifestyle that you can own. When I see travel’s influence on my life, I can’t afford to have a life that is absent of it. I am my best version of myself when I’m traveling and upon immediately returning. One day I may meet a girl on my travels who challenges my love affair with travel by having such an impact on my own life, prompting me to make room for both, but until then, and long after, I’ll keep a packed bag by the door with no regrets. In the words of Bob Marley: “Love the life you live, live the life you love.”
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Strange world. I just finished a blog about running off to Thailand for 6 weeks, with my marriage pending, and how a wedding in my future definitely called for a solo trip. There is just something about travelling alone that feeds the soul, whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Thanks Carol! While I’ve opened myself up in the last year or two to travel more with others, there’s just something satisfying about traveling solo. I find it a really empowering experience.
I completely agree, Carol – a solo sojourn is very “Eat Pray Love.”
The people in our lives help us grow, but there’s something transformative about exploring an unknown city/country on your own. You learn so much about who you are in the moments when your only companion is yourself!
Loved this post. I can definitely relate to answering questions about lifestyle and how it affects my dating life. I think it always comes back to the same thing which is that most people see travel as a means to an end, whereas people like us see it as an end itself, which is why when I’ve had to choose between the two (dating and travel), I’ve always picked the road over the girl. I’ll say this though: the two girls I’ve had the most success with were passionate about travel as well and were free spirits too, so I’m glad to see you haven’t ruled out the possibility of dating and travel co-existing. Safe travels.
Juan, I love how you put this, especially about the means/ends, because it’s something that I’ve often found myself saying, but not something that I hear a lot of people verbalizing. They can in fact co-exist in my opinion. Just because it hasn’t for me personally, doesn’t mean it’s not possible. And the more I think about it, I think they will co-exist, but then again, we don’t really choose how life happens to us.
“My best friend believes that as long as I keep up the travel lifestyle that I do, that I’m not likely to meet a girl I find “dateable” in any city I live in, but rather find her when I’m not looking for it, while traveling.”
My friends all think the same. Maybe they’re right. I, however, am probably too much of a romantic at heart and believe that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Great post, Spencer!
Thanks Candice. I really appreciate your original article that helped spur on some of the thoughts of this. I never imagined myself blogging this much about the topic, but from the response, I’m glad I did. Life has a funny way about it and while I consider myself to live it on my own terms, we don’t exactly get to choose how life happens. When certain things are meant to be, then they are meant to be, and they happen. Until then, I’ll keep doing life the only way I know how
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Excellent follow-up, Spencer. I think Candice’s article brings a lot of things to the table that other people are not so keen to admit. But then again, the way people travel, especially on their own, is not always something non-travellers can understand. Solidarity, yo!
Love your thoughts on this Katka. I think there’s something to be said for both solo travel and having a companion to travel with. They both bring their own strengths/weaknesses to the table and I don’t think either is superior to the other. At the end of the day, we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and live life as we see fit. That’s what it’s really all about for me. Whatever drives and fuels people, I think that’s what we should aspire to.
I love this (and Candice’s original post) so much. Even though I’m not a nomad (yet) I still travel quite frequently (or whenever I can) and haven’t figured out how to explain to anybody I date that I’m not really all-the-way happy unless I’m out in the world. It can be awkward. How can you really commit to someone when you also really want to physically leave the place you are all the time? Sometimes I feel positively mental!
Amanda, you have to find a nomadic soul, like yourself : ) I am not always able to travel with my husband, or my kids, but to know that I live with someone who “gets it” and is up for the adventure whenever he can take it is key.
I can’t totally relate Amanda. And it’s not necessarily a paradox of physical place. Travel is somewhat of a non-negotiable for me with dating. Not because I want someone to travel with, but for me, it’s just a mindset. It’s something of a worldview and I think we can be somewhat of “nomads”, whether we travel full-time or not. I consider myself something of a nomad, although I have a homebase and primarily travel now for a couple weeks at a time. At the end of the day, we don’t have to justify ourselves to anyone. We’ve just got to look in the mirror at ourselves and lives with what we see. That’s ultimately what matters and what drives the choices I make.
I loved this, Spencer. So much. THIS especially: “But for me, the greater risk and consequences aren’t the choices themselves. The greater risk and impending consequences are to never risk at all.” Beautiful, my friend.
I love what you said above, someone who “gets it”. I think that is so important. You don’t have to travel full-time to really have a broad view of the world, but it’s really important to have some sense of partnership who really understands that state of mine. I love you Carol and always appreciate your perspective on life, travel, and love. It’s so fresh and what I and the world needs to hear.
That is so, so sweet, Spencer xoxoxox Can’t wait to hug you in person this summer! (fingers crossed!)
I think you’re right to “leave a packed bag by the door with no regrets.” If it is making you happy now, seize the day and keep it up. And thank you for saying the important message that your life makes you happy but that that is subjective. I wouldn’t trade the things in my life for anything in the world, but those were my choices. We all make choices and just need to be cognizant of why and what the results are. Happy travels.
Thanks Jenna. I really like your last point and it’s one that I really try to get across, and that is that it’s up to each of us to decide and love with the choices they make. The world doesn’t need more traveling philosophers. The world needs more people who are doing what brings them alive. For some that’ll be a lifestyle heavily influenced by travel, while there will be many that that’s not the case.
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